I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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