so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
