Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think my moral compass just broke
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
