and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
