He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
