i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
