it's too hot outside to masturbate.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
