sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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