it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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