He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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