my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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