We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He better not be in your backpack
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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