Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
