Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
