I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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