Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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