What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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