Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
