so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
