walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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