I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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