Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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