Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
