I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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