I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
