I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We were destined to go to rehab together
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
