If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
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I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
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It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter