There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I am available for nakedness
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando