If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
