Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
