i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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