Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
