Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
