so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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