I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
