apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
