What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
