i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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