brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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