My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize