Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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