I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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