She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
