My room smells like vodka and shame
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
