Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
