I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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