I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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