I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
