If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
