Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
