do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
