i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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