Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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