I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
