I hate your face
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.