No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
